


Belief

by logicaltribbles



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, TLOU, ellie williams, joel miller, sam and henry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 04:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3883102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logicaltribbles/pseuds/logicaltribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there is a god, then that meant he had allowed all of this to happen. Ellie simply does not have the energy to be angry at an indefinite being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Belief

_Shink_

Heaven. It’s a strange concept for her.

_Shink_

Heaven would mean God. She’s never been fond of that idea.

_Shink_

If there is a god, then that meant he had allowed all of this to happen. Ellie simply does not have the energy to be angry at an indefinite being.

_Shink  
_

“Ellie, that’s deep enough.”

“Kay.”

She sets down the scrap metal she was using as a makeshift shovel and hops out of the hole. Sitting on her knees in front of the shallow grave, Ellie stares at the ground. The fear and grief has drained out of her small frame and now all that’s left is a numb sensation. Joel climbs out of the larger grave to her right, brushing dirt off of his jeans.

“C'mon Ellie. Let’s make this quick. It’s not good to stay in one place for too long.” He says in his southern drawl.

“Oh. Yeah.” Is her response. Her eyes settle on the two bodies about ten feet away. A fresh pang of grief stabs at her chest, but she ignores it and stands, following Joel over to the corpses. Joel takes a deep breath, arms crossed and eyes closed. Ellie knows this is hard for him, too. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He straightens himself out, then bends down and wraps his arms around the larger corpse, lifting it off the ground. Ellie watches for a moment before following his example.

Sam is too heavy for her to carry, so she settles for wrapping her arms under his and drags him towards his grave, his tattered sneakers scraping through the dirt. She knows he deserves better than this, but right now it’s the best she can do.

The grave gets closer and closer, and Ellie begins to hesitate. In a few moments her only friend will be in that grave. He’s dead, and she accepts that, but burying him… It just seems to final.

_There’s nothing you can do, Ellie._

Nothing except give him a proper burial. As proper as could be in this hell-hole, anyway.

She lays his broken body in the shallow hole and just stares. His nails are caked with blood, his face is torn and bruised. The gaping gunshot wound in his head stares right back at her. Ellie hugs herself and shifts her feet uncomfortably. She can’t help but dwell on the bags under his eyes, the faint purple that’s an unfortunate souvenir of his final night.

_He must not have gotten any sleep…_ She thinks.

All those hours he was alone. While she slept peacefully in the next room, Sam had been twitching and clawing, moaning softly as his sanity slipped away.

Tears spill over, but she quickly wipes them away, leaving dirt smudges across her cheeks. Another deep breath.

_Be strong, Ellie._

Before she can dwell on it any more, she bends down and grabs the scrap metal, and tosses dirt onto Sam’s body.

_Shink_

She covers his face.

_Shink_

His hands are under the dirt. With his wounds no longer visible, Ellie can almost pretend that Sam died peacefully. He died whole. Almost.

_Shink_

_Shink_

_Shink_

Ellie is in a trance at this point. Scoop, toss, repeat. And repeat. Repeat, until the only thing left of Sam is a mound of loose dirt, which she smooths over. She doesn’t know why. Maybe to make it look nice. Not that it matters. She folds her hands in her lap, as if she were praying.

_I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry._

Ellie jumps when she feels a hand on her shoulder. Her head whips around to find Joel staring mournfully at Sam’s grave. Henry must be buried already.

“It’s not your fault you know.” Joel says, his eyes still fixed on the dirt. Suddenly, the ground seems very interesting to Ellie.

“I know.” She replies. “That’s not what’s bothering me.”

Joel doesn’t say anything. He knows she will continue whether he prompts her or not.

“Before Sam… turned,” She chokes out the word, “He asked me If I thought the people were still in there. In their bodies, I mean. After they turn into runners. Trapped with the fungus. He said Henry told him those people went to Heaven to be with their families.” Joel removes his hand from her shoulder and stands with arms crossed. He shifts his gaze to Ellie now, giving her his full attention.

“And what did you say?” He asks. But he’s already guessed.

Ellie clenches her fists. Maybe she’s angry at the world. Maybe with God. Maybe with herself. She doesn’t know.

“I told him I didn’t believe it.” Her voice is a harsh whisper. “Can you believe that? The last thing I told him was that he wouldn’t see his family again. Then I just left him to die.” Her voice gets louder and more emotional with each word as if she were scolding herself.

Joel sighs. “Look, Ellie…”

“No Joel! I was supposed to be his friend! I told him we would all be there for each other, then I left him!” Yes, she was definitely angry at herself.

“You didn’t know.” Joel interrupts, his voice stern yet soft. “You had no way of knowin’. Besides, I reckon there’s no use in worrying about it now. What’s done is done.”

Ellie should have known that’s what he would say. Joel wasn’t the type to dwell in the past, even if the past was only a few hours ago.

“But Joel… I…” She grasps desperately for words. “What if he was in there. I told him that the person wasn’t in the body anymore, but what if it is? What if Sam was still in there? What if I lied to him? What if he had to watch himself attack me without being able to stop it. What if he was still in there when Henry shot him…” Her voice is thick and she feels like she’s going to throw up. “What if…” She trails off. What if what? She knows that ‘what if’s don’t matter. She tries to beat down the guilt that is boiling in her gut but it’s no use. That’s when Joel leans down and puts a hand on hers. She doesn’t even realized she’s shaking until he steadies her.

“Ellie, listen to me.” Joel holds her gaze. “If, and I mean if Sam was still in there, innit a good thing he died when he did? Rather than stay trapped inside a body that wasn’t his anymore? He died before he really hurt someone. And Henry…” He falters for a moment. “Even if he hadn’t killed Sam, there ain’t no way he could'a lived knowing he failed to protect his brother. As screwed up as it is… It’s better this way."

Ellie lets that sink in. She waits until the numbness returns and her lip stops quivering to speak again.

"Yeah. Yeah I guess so.” She stands, dusting off her pants. Joel stands after her, giving her one final pat on the shoulder before turning his back on the graves and walking away.

Ellie’s eyes stay focused on the mound of dirt in front of her. “Joel?”

The man stops walking and looks over his shoulder at Ellie. She knows that her question will be blown off, but with her own faith shaken, she needs to ask anyway.

“What do you believe?”

His expression is stoic and unreadable as usual, and his eyes focus on the horizon.

“Don’t matter what I believe. I figure things are the way they are, and no believin’ or wishin’ is gonna change it.”

Ellie stares at him, eyebrows wrinkled in thought. “Still, you have to believe something, right?”

“Ellie. believin’ ain’t gonna keep you alive. I used to believe a lot of things. Lotta good that did me."

There’s a long silence that follows. Joel sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Look I’m not… I’m not telling you not to believe in anything. I don’t know what happens to a person once they turn, but there ain’t no use dwellin’ on it. Because no matter how much you want to think something is true, it doesn’t change the fact that something is. The world doesn’t take our beliefs into consideration.”

They stand in silence a little while longer. Joel adjusts his backpack and Ellie fidgets with her hands.

“You still didn’t answer my question.” Ellie states. He sighs again.

“Ellie…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

And that’s the end of that.

“Let’s go then.” Joel says, relieved that the heart-to-heart is over.

“One second.” Ellie responds. She is about to reach into her backpack and bring out Sam’s robot, but her hand stops short when and all to familiar sound reaches her ears.

_Click Cliiiiick Clickclick Click_

“Shit.” She curses to herself. “Joel-”

“I hear it.” He interrupts. “No time to waste. C'mon!” Ellie runs to him, her bag thumping against her back, toy forgotten. Joel reaches his arm out and lightly shoves her ahead on him. They are just about to loose sight of the radio tower when a Stalker flings itself out from behind a telephone pole, grabbing for Ellie.

“Damn it!” Joel shouts as he whips out his revolver and shoots the creature right in the middle of the forehead. Blood and brain splatter over Ellie, but she is too accustomed to the sensation to feel disgust.

She’s about to thank her companion when a Clicker bursts out of the bushes. Then another. Then another.

“Fuck!” She exclaims as she pulls out her own gun and starts shooting. Her aim leaves much to be desired, knocking a chunk off the protruding fungus but completely missing the brain. Another goes into the arm. Finally the heart. One down, a lot to go. She shoots again but all she gets is the quick snap of an empty barrel. There’s no time to reload, so she brings out her knife instead. Joel smacks one across the face with his gun.

Ellie lets out a yell as she sinks her knife into the neck of the nearest clicker.

_Shink_

Ellie doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

_Shink_

Maybe Sam had been right. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter.

_Shink_

The world was going to hell anyways.

_Shink_

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Oldish drabble. I absolutely adore this game, but I’m really curious as to what Joel and Ellie’s views are on religion and stuff. You get hints, but I just wanted to explore it more. I also felt the need for a scene where they bury Sam and Henry (because you know they did), because Ellie at least has never really experienced this kind of loss. Yes she lost Riley and Tess, but I feel like she left Riley because she didn’t have the heart to kill her, and she didn’t really have the time to let Tess’ death sink in cause its not like they could stick around without getting shot. That’s why I feel like Sam and Henry’s deaths impacted her so much, not just because they were friends but because she had to bury them and she actually had time to let the reality sink in and think about their last moments right after the fact and look at me rambling on I should stop now OTP = ElliexHappiness/safety forever basically.


End file.
